There are so many discussions about what addiction is. Is it a disease? Is it a choice? Looking back at years of mistakes and bad decisions, I can say with absolute certainty it’s not a choice. Everyone has heard the analogies that girls don’t wake up one day and say “Hey I want to be an addict”, what can we compare it to, in order to bring those who are not aware into some semblance of understanding and erase the stigma that comes with addiction and recovery?
I think of it this way, most people have been in a really terrible relationship, the ones that start out with butterflies in your stomach and you can’t wait to see the person, probably everyone has felt that new relationship shiver or butterflies when you look forward to seeing the person next. Then somehow everything changes. You see that you’re not happy, you don’t want to see the person but you do and you don’t know how to leave them because you know it’s not a good relationship but somehow you keep going back no matter how many times you tell yourself you’re not.
Addiction is a bad relationship and no matter how many times your family or loved ones tell you to stop, you don’t give up that relationship until YOU make the decision and realize that it’s never going to get better. As an addict we tell ourselves so many things to justify that one more time the scary part of addiction in today’s world is that that one more time has become the last time for so many people who got stuck in this terrible relationship with drugs or alcohol.
Asking for help can seem impossible. Resources and outlets to get that help are scarce, which can lead to one feeling so defeated that we just continue on that same path until something stops us- be it jail, hospital, or for some, death. Anyone new to recovery my advice would be to change the small things. Things that you normally wouldn’t think twice about when you’re using. When I was in the process of getting sober, taking a walk, and finding a few minutes to just stop and pause the insanity of the chase I was always on. When we’re using we are selfish. It’s only about us. As I began my journey on recovery, I became less selfish and I saw the world again and I saw my friends and I saw my family and how much this terrible relationship with drugs was hurting them too. For those people who say addicts are only hurting themselves couldn’t be further for the truth addicts hurt the people that love them, they hurt the people who brought them into this world, they hurt their children by not being around or not being PRESENT when they are. Missing all the important moments in life that makes being alive so special.
After 5 years 10 months and 16 days of sobriety, I can quite honestly say my worst day sober is still better than my best day in active addiction.
My son is four and a half years old, and how the world has changed and how available drugs have become as well as how much knowledge these kids have at such a young age is scary. I hope my journey will give me the ability to convey to my son the dangers involved with addiction. For those in recovery now who think that they’ve done too much to get out or they’ve done bad things and they can’t take it back, know this. The thing with people who love us is that they don’t look backwards as we do. When we’re focused on our recovery and we’re doing the right thing they’re looking at what we’re doing now not what we did. As we navigate this crazy world trying to deal with all the emotions that we suppress for so long, hold on to that. Know that what you’re doing now is what’s important! Know that you are a beautiful, strong, and amazing person.
One day, one week, one year or 5 years getting sober is one of the hardest things we do in our lives but it’s that fight and that journey that just adds to how amazing you are. Don’t look back!
Look forward every day, every hour, every minute and know that you’re not alone.
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